The Lost Art of Transparency

Posted on October 14, 2012 by admin

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Being honest about who we are and who we want to be isn’t always easy. Finding a safe place to be real can be difficult at times. Knowing what to share and with whom to share it, takes the gift of discernment that all of us can benefit from. There are some people who for the life of them cannot keep a secret. They don’t know the meaning of “confidential”. They live from one day to the next feasting upon others’ weaknesses. Like vultures they are ready to devour any poor soul that dares to expose any problem areas. My advice to you is beware of such gossipers and steer clear of them. And if you have been one yourself, now is the time to change. The way you treat others will come back to you so repent and stop this hurtful behavior.

Some people have learned to keep secrets and it’s a great advantage to know someone you can trust. As a result of living in Abbotsford for 32 years, I have had the privilege of knowing many people. Even people whom I don’t necessarily associate with very often, sometimes tell me “secrets” about their lives that are very shocking. I too once had a big “secret” in my life eight years ago. It was like a giant monster living in my closet. I didn’t know what to do with it and I lived in fear of being found out. Although both my husband Bob and I were in full-time Christian service, our marriage was in big trouble, heading downhill fast. When we both admitted we needed help and started receiving marriage counseling, it was refreshing to reveal our secret problems without fear of gossip. Learning to be real and honest with ourselves and with our counselors was a true gift.

Transparency is a definite necessity for living life to its fullest. In John 10:10 Jesus says that He has come to give us abundant life. To me an abundant life means, being free to be who I really am. If I am ashamed of who I am, then with God’s help I can change. Being honest, even about our down faults, should lead to growth as we reach out for help. James 5:16 tells us that we are to confess our weaknesses to one another and pray for one another that we may be healed. I have discovered that the more I admit my imperfections, the less frightening they become to me. As I reach out for help to those who genuinely love and care for me, I become more free to be who I am. As we discover the freedom of transparency we can encourage others with this gift too. I encourage you to expose secrets that have been weighing on you. Ask God to show you the right person to reveal this to and get it dealt with once and for all. Discover the gift of transparency.

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Dealing with the hurts of the past

Posted on October 14, 2012 by admin

Each of us, from time to time, must deal with disappointments that we face. We live in a world of dysfunction and sometimes we get hurt.

It is shocking to me how much tragedy some people face. Being involved in helping youth at risk in our community has given me the wonderful opportunity of talking with a variety of teenagers and young adults. I’ve heard stories of betrayal, abandonment, rejection, murder, suicide and abuse of all kinds. It’s disgusting. My heart goes out to all of them and I pray that somehow they can be free from all the pain they have experienced.

We cannot ignore our hearts, minds and souls. We must listen to what is going on inside, good or bad. We have to bring it up and deal with it. As Solomon said in Proverbs 4:23 about minding what is inside the heart: “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.” It is the place from which everything comes.

Success and failure alike arise from what is going on inside and the wise person is one who pays attention. With wisdom we can oversee what is going on inside and deal with it.

Just recently I was faced with a situation where I felt falsely accused and unappreciated for endless hours of service and commitment. For months I had a cold that I could not get rid of and constant pain in my neck and shoulders. As I lay on my bed pondering the events that had taken place, I could not deny my pain any longer and burst into tears. The reality hit that I had been deeply wounded.

As I faced my hurt and allowed myself to grieve, my tears became healing agents cleansing my soul and dislodging the feelings of anger, hurt, pain and sorrow. I ended by forgiving those people who had hurt me and asking Jesus to minister His love to them. I then made a decision to let go of all that pain and deal with it in constructive ways.

One of my favourite authors Dr. Henry Cloud, in his book “Nine Things You Simply Must Do”, shares nine principles to be truly effective in life. The first principle is entitled “Dig it up.” He says that the reality of the life we see and live on the outside is one that emerges from the inside, from our hearts, minds and souls.

In this chapter he encourages readers to look at, listen to, discover and be mindful of our internal life – the good things in us, like our talents, feelings, desires and dreams as well as the bad things like our hurt, pain, anger and negative emotions.

He goes on to say, “Get rid of the pain you carry around and the effects it is having on your life. If you ignore it, it will become a cancer that gets larger. Grief that is ignored turns into depression and hopelessness. Hurt turns into lack of trust and anger turns into bitterness and hatred. If you are walking around with unresolved matters of the heart, it is time to deal with them.

When you face your demons and your pain, you “reclaim the land” of your heart and soul. You come through that suffering better than when you went in. Process it, mourn it, heal it, grieve it, repent of it or whatever it takes to work it out of your system.”

If you have experienced hurts in your life, today is your day to dig it up, acknowledge it and release it. Take some time to find a quiet undisturbed place and write in a journal the feelings you have buried. Begin to forgive those people and let go of that pain.

Twice a year (every May and September) I teach this subject in depth at a ladies retreat for Above and Beyond Ministries. I keep it to a minimal of eleven people.  For more information visist  www.aboveandbeyondministries.ca

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Treat your life like a big business

Posted on October 14, 2012 by admin

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I have heard that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results. Although I do agree with that statement, I can’t help but wonder how a person would change that cycle. If I am lonely and isolated and have no friends, how can I change? If I knew how to make friends, I would probably be doing it. Obviously I need to grow in an area before I can change it.

Ecclesiastes 10:10 says “If the axe is dull, and one does not sharpen the edge, then he must use more strength. But wisdom brings success.” It isn’t always necessary to work harder; it’s often better to work smarter. There’s a great benefit in learning how to sharpen the skills you need to conquer the problem.

I suggest that you treat yourself as you would treat a business. Pretend you are the boss of your own life. Develop management and organizational skills. Learn how to solve problems with a fresh mind-set and come up with solutions that are unique. Establish your own “strategic planning department.” Set up your own training department and update your skills and techniques.

Recently I read a book entitled Winning the Innovation Game by Denis E. Waitley & Robert B. Tucker. They define innovation as a commitment to devise a strategy to consistently implement ideas for solving problems. In their book they outline various ways to implement ideas. Here are a few of their suggestions.

 

  • Think of yourself as an “Idea person”. Proverbs 23:7 “As a man thinks in his heart, so he will become.” If there’s a time of day when you feel you do your most creative thinking, try to reserve it for yourself and use it to its fullest.
  • Pay attention when an idea occurs to you. Get into the habit of writing down ideas, evaluating them and implementing the good ones. Record them either on three-by-five-inch cards, a tape recorder, idea notebook, post-it-notes or in your day planner.
  • Inspect your idea factory. Look at your “Things to Do” list. If it is simply a catalog of daily duties � pick up the dry cleaning, pay the bills and so on – you aren’t generating ideas. Carry a small notebook with you wherever you go and jot down ideas as they occur. Examples might be: “Discuss with spouse best time to paint the house.” “Meet with fitness instructor to come up with a new exercise plan.” “Look into attending a computer class.” Later you can go back through them and sort them out. Some you’ll reject, others you’ll want to implement right away. Still others will require further development
  • Gather information and draw your own conclusions. Most successful people spend a third of their time reading. The goal is to interpret information to create and implement new ideas.
  • Organize your information. Go through magazines and clip out the pictures and articles you want to keep. Develop files for different categories and topics.

Take inventory of your life and evaluate the areas you need to change. Invite the Lord to help you stop your cycle of insanity. Begin thinking like the business owner of your life.

Posted in Vision, Work | Leave a comment

Overcoming Blind Spots

Posted on October 14, 2012 by admin

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Raising teenagers involves many skills, especially in such activities as teaching how to drive a car.

One of the lessons in driving is to understand and discover what a blind spot is. When our teenagers were learning to drive, one of them would need to get into the left lane, only to discover that suddenly a vehicle appeared out of nowhere. As the horrified instructor I wondered how my young driver could not have seen the vehicle. What was so plain and easy for me to see could not be seen by the driver because it was in a “blind spot”. To overcome blind spots while driving, shoulder checks come into play. But how do we conquer blind spots in our personal lives?

At University in one of my courses I learned a concept called the “Jeharvi Window.” It is a definition of who we are. The window is divided up into four parts or four squares. One part of who we are consists of our public self. This consists of things known to us and known to others. A second part of us is our private self which consists of things that are known to us but is not known to others. There is another part of us that is known to others but is not known to us. This area is called our blind spots. Lastly there is a part of us that is not known to us or to others, only God knows. To conquer this area we must be dependant on God to reveal these things to us.

While mentoring young adults in this community, I am amazed at how good the majority of them are at seeing the faults of their fellow group members. Yet when it comes to admitting their own areas of weakness, they are very ineffective.

Jesus addressed these blind spots by telling us to take the log out of our own eye first so we may see clearly to take the speck out of our brother’s eye (Matthew 7:3).

Barbara Wentroble, in her book “Freedom from Deception”, says that one of the reasons people get deceived is because they have an independent spirit. She says, “Every person needs someone to help him see his blind spots. None of us see everything clearly. We were created to need each other. Sometimes reports are heard about ministers who fall into immorality or greed. Later, we discover that they were not accountable to any other leader. They were led away from the truth by their own human nature without anyone to keep them accountable. Being accountable to a spiritually mature group will prevent the enemy from blinding our eyes to deception.”

We may not totally eliminate our blind spots but we can reduce them significantly by receiving feedback from others. Allowing others to point out our blind spots is not for the faint-hearted. It takes maturity to ask for and receive feedback, but it is a tool designed to help you overcome your weaknesses. This is not a time to argue or become defensive, but rather a time to listen. Take some time afterwards to ponder what was said and make a plan to implement a strategy for change.

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Changing One Life At A Time

Posted on October 14, 2012 by admin

 

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The other day I received an email that really made me stop and think seriously about my life. It was a list of questions by Charles Schulz, the creator of the ‘Peanuts’ comic strip. Schulz asked readers to name the five wealthiest people in the world, the winners of Miss America, ten people who have won the Nobel Prize, winners of the Academy Awards and the World Series. To say the least I had very few answers to offer.

The email went on to say that awards tarnish, achievements are forgotten, applause dies and certificates are buried with their owners. Then it went on to ask a new set of questions. The questions were asking us to name a few teachers who have affected our lives in positive ways, friends who have helped us through a difficult time, and people who have encouraged us in achieving our dreams. The point came across very clear that the people who make a difference in our lives are not the ones with the most credentials, the most money or the most awards. The people who make the biggest difference in our lives are the ones who truly care.

I remember that in high school I barely passed from one grade to the next. Although I worked hard and spent most of my spare time studying, I could not seem to understand or remember the concepts. Then in grade ten I had a math teacher who took interest in helping me. He acknowledged my struggle and offered to teach me if I would come in after school. I was shocked that anyone would want to help me because I thought I was a lost cause. His belief in me had such an impact that I not only got a B in algebra, but all my other grades improved as well. Thanks to him, I graduated from grade twelve. To this day he is one of my heroes.

At times we can feel overwhelmed by the number of needs in this world; I know I have felt that way occasionally. But I have come to realize that I don’t have to be famous to make a difference in one person’s life. It’s like the story of the child putting the star fish back into the ocean. It didn’t seem to make a big difference compared to the hundreds of star fish still on the sand, but it did make a difference to that one star fish. By touching lives one at a time we can make the world a better place.

My husband explained to me the power of touching one life at a time. He told me that if one person mentored one person for a year and then both of them mentored different ones the next year and taught them to do likewise, the graph would look something like this: After the first year there would be two, after the second year there would be four, then eight, sixteen and by the end of the sixth year thirty two and so forth. Within thirty three years five billion people’s lives would be touched. We can have a powerful influence on one another and at times we don’t even realize it.

Proverbs 31 tells us the qualities of a virtuous woman and in verse 26 it says “She opens her mouth with wisdom and on her tongue is the law of kindness.” This applies to men as well, that a kind word can go a long way. Telling someone you believe in them, cooking a meal, buying flowers, visiting someone, giving a hug to a lonely soul, smiling and saying thank you, calling someone and offering a prayer, are all ways of affecting lives positively and showing others you care. Whose hero will you be today?

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Making the Most of your Time

Posted on October 14, 2012 by admin

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In Ephesians 5:16 the Bible talks about redeeming the time. The word redeem means to buy back, make up for, exchange, save and make amends for. Time is one of our greatest assets. We all have 24 hours each day, but what we do with our times is the determining factor of our success or failure.

Do we make the most of our time and utilize it to invest into our future? Or do we waste our time carelessly because we lack vision and purpose for our lives?

The average person’s lifetime includes twenty years of sleeping, six years of watching television, five years of dressing and shaving, tree years of waiting for others, one year on the telephone, and four months of tying shoes.

How you manage your time equals how you live your life. Without plans, you are easily sidetracked. The object is to plan the important activities on a daily and weekly basis. Do you spend time with people you love and care about? Weed out people who truly waste your time, drag you down, or give you a pain. When times or circumstance change, revise your plans accordingly to fit the new conditions.

Take inventor of the activities you spend your time on. Look to areas that you can cut back on that someone else could do, or that really isn’t that important. Write down your goals to know what is most important to you.

Try to do at least one thing each day towards accomplishing your goals. It could be making a phone call, sending an email, researching information about some schooling you would like to take. What ever it may be, spend your time on the things that mean the most for your life.

Volunteer to do something only after you give up something else. Do not add unless you subtract.

When planning for the upcoming month, season, or year, schedule vacations, family time, and key social events first.

There is no question about it that there are mundane tasks that each of us must do. But there are ways to save and redeem your time.

Here are some ways to do more in less time.

 

  • Do errands together that are in the same location.
  • Schedule time for routine tasks, such as laundry, that must be done to keep your life running smoothly.
  • Schedule the next appointment before leaving their office.
  • Schedule multiple appointments for the same day.
  • Buy greeting cards all at one time.

When meeting with busy people, ask for the first appointment of the day. Your chances of having to wait are reduced.

Being a person of vision will aid you in being purposeful in the way you spend your time. When you understand your goals and have a clear vision of where you want to go, it will be easier to make right decisions that lead you closer to your dreams. Knowing what type of future you want and the priorities that are important to you will get rid of boredom and confusion.

Sometimes when I feel bored and not sure what to do with my time, I look at my list. Making a list of all the worthwhile things I can do helps me to know what I can do when I feel bored and aimless.

My list includes; reading, cleaning house, making nutritious meals and freezing them, calling someone to encourage them, writing a letter or sending an email, catch up on sleep, going for a walk or bike ride.

You too can begin today and redeem the time.

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Love Your Neighbour as You Love Yourself

Posted on October 14, 2012 by admin

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I’ve been told, “It’s important to like yourself because everywhere you go you take yourself with you.” Contentment in life starts with liking yourself.

The Bible says in Leviticus 19:18 to “Love your neighbour as you love yourself.” Approving of yourself and enjoying your own company is a gift you give yourself. Getting to know your likes and dislikes, your strengths and your weaknesses, is an important part of understanding yourself. Having a sense of security and feeling like you belong are all part of endorsing yourself.

If you do not accept yourself or approve of yourself, it is difficult to receive anything from others. Forgetting yourself and giving to others with no strings attached, can only come when you love yourself. Remember that people respect us in direct proportion to how much we respect ourselves.

Each one of us are created with gifts and talents to offer the world. It’s up to you if you develop your gifts and put them to use.. Select and develop your best talent. Develop a clear image of what you want by seeing it with your physical eyes. Get a clear vision in your minds eye of your purpose.

Don’t wait for perfect conditions, take action and start now. Surround yourself with people who will support you. Commit yourself and focus your energy. If there are things you hate about yourself – do what you can to change those things. Once you decide what you will do, the way to do it will unfold. It takes time to invest in change. Be consistent and persistent.

In 1983 I felt that the only talent I had was the gift of encouragement, but I was too shy, fearful and insecure to talk to people. I hated being so shy and I decided I would change. I decided to force myself to learn how to talk in front of people.

Because I was involved in the church, I had opportunity to give announcements. Sunday after Sunday I would make a complete fool of myself. I would turn all red in the face, forget what I was to say, my body would shake from being so nervous and I could not look at anyone.

My husband, Bob, told me he felt nervous just watching me. I joined Toastmasters and I did every thing I could to overcome my fear of public speaking. I began to encourage myself in the process of change. It is just in the last three years now that I feel like I can finally stand in a crowd of people and say something worth listening to. But it would have never happened if I got discouraged and gave up.

Enthusiasm plus action equals success. Instead of complaining about your weaknesses, change them and develop your talents.

Learn to be a friend to yourself so that you can love others as you love yourself.

Posted in Self-Esteem | Leave a comment

Encouraging Others

Posted on October 14, 2012 by admin

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We are created for relationship and developing good social skills are a vital part of our success in life. All too often when we are hurt by others, we tend to either avoid people or lash out on them.

I’m sure we have all had experiences where people would treat us as if it was our fault they had a flat tire or that they had a fight with their spouse. Learning to let go of all offences and not take things personally is a skill we can all develop.

Living a successful life means knowing how to enhance relationships. Every person you and I have a relationship with has an emotional bank account. If every time I see you I want to borrow $20, or use your car, or need you to run an errand for me, eventually your emotional bank account will be overdrawn. Then when the phone rings or there’s a knock at the door, you start avoiding me as if I were a bad plague.

When it comes to enhancing relationship we must learn how to add deposits to the emotional bank account and when there is a withdrawal, it will not be the end of the world. Here are some ways you can add to your friendships:

 

  • Take time today to encourage someone.
  • Give people sincere compliments. Tell them they look good.
  • Say something good about a person’s family.
  • Recognize other people’s accomplishments.
  • Complement people on their ideas.
  • Ask them what they think.
  • Praise people for trying.
  • Everyone has some good qualities. Find them and recognize them.
  • Avoid gossip.
  • Show personal interest in people. Get to know the personal interests and concerns of people you are with.
  • Don’t take complaints personally.
  • Be genuinely interested in others.
  • Use a person’s name.
  • Let other people talk about themselves, their interests, their families, their jobs, their problems, their hobbies and their pets. Be a good listener and repeat back some of what they are saying so they feel heard.

One important concept about friendships is not to keep score. Everything you do for others should be because you want to. If you feel forced to have to do something out of obligation, it is time you take a look at your priorities.

Setting boundaries of acceptable and non-acceptable behaviour is mandatory when dealing with people who want to take advantage of you. Be wise in your interactions with people and listen to wise counsel. Choose your friends carefully.

Start today by encouraging others and bringing smiles to their faces.

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Don’t Take Yourself So Seriously

Posted on October 14, 2012 by admin

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Learning to laugh with yourself and others is a gift we can all develop. Proverbs 15:15 says that he who is of a merry heart has a continual feast, regardless of circumstances. Proverbs 17:22 says that a merry heart does good like a medicine.

One of my first jobs after graduating from high school was being a cashier at a drug store. It was on November 1st and I was eagerly assisting customers, when suddenly the doors flew open and there stood two men, with women’s nylons covering their heads and each of them carrying a gun pointing directly at me.

I immediately thought that they got their days mixed up because yesterday was Halloween. Nevertheless it was a great costume and it looked so real. I was ready to congratulate them when suddenly one of them stuck his gun in my face and told me to put all the money in a bag. Putting the money in a bag was a major decision.

We had several bags to choose from and I wondered which bag should I use? A small bag might break because money can be heavy but a big bag might be too bulky. I couldn’t make up my mind, so I asked him which bag he wanted. He pointed his gun at my nose and told me that I needed to hurry up.

I started bagging the money, but when I came to the pennies, I didn’t know if he wanted them. I asked him, “Do you want pennies? They are heavy and not worth much, but if you want them you can have them.” With his gun pointed at my forehead, he said, “I am going to blow your head off.” In my shock, I wondered what my head would look like flying through the air.

His buddy came running towards me from the pharmacy and was holding a bag full of money, pills and medication. My bag was neatly rolled up with scotch tape securely holding everything in place. Ripping the bag out of my hand, he gave me strict instructions to stay where I was. They ran off into the dark night, leaving me with a sensation of confusion.

After a few minutes a woman came into the store with a description of the men and the vehicle. Very shortly the police arrived and I was told they caught the guys, they were high on drugs and the guns were loaded. During this time, my sister Beth was waiting for me in the car.

By the time I got into the car I was crying uncontrollably. She asked we what happened and as I told her the story she burst into laughter. I thought how can she be so inconsiderate and laugh when I almost got killed.

She apologized to me, still laughing, and said she couldn’t help it. She said that it just sounds so funny, “What kind of bag do you want? Would you like pennies with that?’ I had to admit that she was right and we both enjoyed a good laugh.

Maybe this story of my stupidity can be a reminder to all of us to not take ourselves so seriously.

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Valentines Can Be Everyday

Posted on October 14, 2012 by admin

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Valentines Day is a day of romance to celebrate your sweetheart. Let’s not fool ourselves by thinking we can just cruise through our marriage without working at it. I have noticed that any time I drift through life I am sliding backwards not moving ahead. It is no different in a marriage relationship. It is too easy to drift through married life only to suddenly discover you are headed for divorce. Let this Valentines Day be a reminder to you to enhance your marriage, not just for one day, but for the rest of your life. Here are nine ways to stir romance in your partner and put the spark back in your relationship. You too can add zip and pizzazz to your marriage.

1. Schedule weekly dates with your partner. Set aside one night a week and take turns planning the date. Why stop dating just because you are married?

2. Develop open communication by sharing ideas, thoughts, concerns, joys and sorrows with each other. Go for a half hour walk together each day.

3. Be romantic with each other. Flowers, special meals, gifts, love notes, hugs, acts of kindness or words of encouragement. Find out what turns your loved one on.

4. If your sex life has gone stale, read books or listen to tapes on the subject. (I recommend Ed Wheat’s material found at Christian Book Stores)

5. Accept your partner fully. Stop trying to change him/her and focus on changing yourself. Take notice of all the good qualities and freely hand out sincere complements.

6. Plan a second honeymoon. Once in a while plan a weekend away at a hotel for just the two of you. Go out for dinner, do something that’s fun, watch a love show, go for a swim, each chocolate or have a fondue.

7. Make time for yourself. If you feel tired and stressed, rejuvenate yourself by taking care of your own needs. Don’t expect your partner to meet all your needs.

8. Decorate your bedroom for romance. Put a lock on the door, play soft relaxing music, light candles, use soft sheets, massaging oils, soothing smells, favourite colours, flowers, or whatever brings you pleasure.

9. Simplify your lifestyle. Slow down. Most couples are too tired for each other. They are working so hard, just to get the bills paid, that they seldom have a chance to enjoy each other. Ask yourself where you can cut back and start saying “no” to other time wasters.

Your Valentine will be delighted as you take an active part in applying some of these tips. Remember to celebrate every day together. Your sweetheart will keep coming back for more.

Posted in Marriage | Leave a comment